hooftrax

crawling out of my casket so i can take a shower for the first time in months

i've been in the midst of a deep depression for the past couple months.

it's nothing new. depression has been a constant and debilitating companion of mine since well before puberty, for reasons i won't get into here. occasionally, like now, it backs off enough that i get to experience things resembling "optimism", and i can do things like cleaning my body, expressing interest in things, etc again.

i've managed to get a therapist that seems to be good, though time will tell if she actually is or not. past experiences have taught me to not be too optimistic when it comes to mental health providers. part of what she's doing is helping me reach out to other services, which i dread because i'm fully expecting my insurance to refuse to cover anything. i don't meet their arbitrary threshold for deserving them, so i'll probably have to fight them over it (and likely lose, tbh..).

i'm also hopefully starting HRT again soon. when i was on testosterone before, it was amazing. turns out, having the correct amount of hormones in your body does wonders for your mental state! i didn't experience the mood swings or the anger people warn about at all; my emotions are already fucked up, but T made it easier for me to deal with them. to be honest i probably wouldn't even need an antidepressant as long as i get my testosterone.

and, amazingly, i haven't ragequit my job yet! i'm applying to other places, but as usual the response is either silence or a no. so it looks like i'm staying at Fast Food for now. as long as they don't make any (more) changes to the work environment i can tolerate it for at least another month or so.

the only other thing to report is that i have decided to be goth again. i've realized that even if i can't get out of my current circumstances, the least i can do is make them a little more tolerable by allowing myself to have fun. which for me is dressing like i'm a vampire posing as an embalmed corpse at a viewing a century or so ago.

i am cringe but i am free

- 2 toasts